How we made our lovely baby boy...Part 1

How Tristan came to be...

                                                                         Part 1:

Artificial insemination is a wild concept. If I stop to think about it (and I don't!) the sheer 

science-y-ness (that's totally a real word) of the whole process will make my mind scramble. It took 4 non-consecutive inseminations to conceive the young master. The average is 6 inseminations so we consider ourselves lucky as the process is super-d-duper expensive (depending on your medical insurance) and emotionally draining. And no, don't even think about it, the purchase of sperm is not covered by medical insurance. 

(I do not claim to be an expert on this process. This story is an account of our experiences.)

For me, the process of intrauterine insemination (IUI) began with four diagnostic tests. I refused the last test so it was only three for me. These tests were to make sure my lady parts were in working order. The first test was a run of the mill Pap smear. Pap smears are uncomfortable but they literally only last for a second and it's over. 

The second test however was a doozy! The test is "affectionately" called 'the dreaded dye test'. If you denote any affection from that name then you are sadly mistaken! From what I understand, this test is done to check if the woman's fallopian tubes are clear from blockages and scar tissue. On the morning of the test, I gobbled down a mouthful of home fries and took a Motrin...just in case.  To make a long procedure filled morning short, I laid on a table and the technician inflated my uterus with a balloon and then preceded to inject dye into my fallopian tubes. When my tubes were full of dye the technician took X-ray pictures of both tubes. Intense huh? It was! And as soon as I got off that table of horrors, I took another Motrin! It felt as if someone took a leaf blower, stuck it up inside my vagina, and turned it on full blast. Thank the Gods and Goddesses for Motrin! 

The third test was to check the vitality (?) of my uterus. During this test, the doctor shot saline inside in my uterus. It felt as if he was poking and prodding every single one of my internal organs from inside my lady portal. Thankfully, the test was over quite quickly but the doctor told me to continue laying on the table for an extra 15 minutes because the saline often makes woman dizzy. 

And yes, the saline made me dizzy but it also made me projectile vomit all over the room. I guess eating a Burger King veggie burger and a large order of fries wasn't the best idea before having medical procedure. ::shrug::

While scheduling and then trying to recover from these medical exams, I had to keep on with my normal life. I was working full time during the day and taking classes towards my MSW at night all while maintaining a loving martial relationship with my supportive wife. In addition to all the tests, (as if that weren't enough) I was expected to give blood at different stages of my monthly cycle. A lot of blood! I remember one day before work, I had to give twenty vials of blood in one sitting! It was crazy. Thank goodness for Netflix on my smart phone because I needed an escape during that appointment. 

After a year of that craziness and the test were all scored and tallied, the doctor said my lady parts were all in working order. Woo - hoo! Now we were ready to make a baby...except for one minor detail. 

We need sperm. Ugh! Damn! My gynecologist recommended a company that shall nameless (They were assholes and had the worse costumer service.) and we picked a donor. Unfortunately for our bank account, my gynecologist did not accept our insurance and only accepted cash per insemination.

Ugh! Fine! Let's go! 

We are in it to win it! 

We wanted a baby!

The doctor told us to buy an over the counter ovulation detection kit and when we got a smiley face on the pee stick (which meant I was ovulating) we were to call the sperm bank and schedule an overnight delivery to his office with the intention of getting inseminated within the 48 hour ovulation period. Tricky tricky right! ::cue Run DMC's song Tricky::

We did that convoluted process for the next two months and it cost us a total of $1800.00 cash plus $1000.00 in sperm. I know....Crazy! It was super ridiculous because the insemination process only takes about 7 minutes total. We have never spent that much money in such a short amount of time. And when I got my period after the second month of insemination, my wife told me, delicately, it was time to find a fertility specialist who actually accepted our insurance. 

And that we did...