How we made our lovely baby boy... Part 3: NO! We did use a turkey baster...ugh!

How Tristan came to be
Part 3:

If one more person asks me if we used a turkey baster to get pregnant I'm gonna lose it! Let this be the blog to end to those dumb albeit genuinely curious questions regarding artificial insemination. It's quite funny because my black friends ask if the insemination process was anything like that scene in the season finale of a show called "Mary Jane". Ok so in this ridiculous scene, Mary Jane, played by Gabrielle Union, laid on the floor with her legs akimbo and asked her friend (an obstetrician..pfft..like I believe that...) to inseminate her with the ejaculate that she managed to keep in a condom from her recent sexual encounter. 

UGH! THAT IS NOT HOW IT WORKS! 

A woman would never get pregnant like that! 

Now my white friends ask if the insemination was like the infamous turkey baster scene from the show The L-word. I don't remember much about that scene but I think I remember glitches of a jar of frozen sperm, and a turkey baster being inserted in a vagina and then the woman doing a handstand against the wall after her girlfriend squirted it up there... Ugh! 

That is a bit closer to the mark but still way off.  I've heard some lesbo fables in which some women get the frozen sperm delivered to their house so they can do the insemination in a calm environment. 

Shiiiiiit! 

Sperm cost too damn much and we are to clumsy to try to do it ourselves. Could you imagine? Sperm all over the bedroom walls and us looking crazy with rubber gloves on with Kenny G playing in the background...ummmm no thank you. 

Let's leave all the sperm insertion to the medical professionals shall we...?

Good! Now to explain how the actual insemination works: 

(Again, this was MY experience...)

While sitting in the waiting room my doctor came over to us and handed us a small, crack vial sized tube with six numbers (the sperm donors identification number) printed on it. My doctor handed it to me and said "put this between your breast to keep it warm." My wife and I looked at each other and laughed. My doctor giggled at us and said "do it now!" 

Whoa! It was the sperm...it's really happening! 

As I was putting the vial between my boobs my wife said "that little bit cost $500?" Jeez, she was right because it was only three quarters of the way full. Ugh...straight couples sure have it easy with all that free sperm.

Anyhoo, after about two minutes my doctor comes back out to the waiting area and beckons us back into the medical room. When I walked in I remember that the room was dimly lit. 

Mood lighting??? Ha! 

Our doctor instructed me to undress from the waist down and to get on the table. She told me to breathe because I guess I was tensing up and she didn't want the speculum to hurt during insertion. I was nervous. That was a crazy moment. All I kept thinking was that we were to be parents and there is no turning back. 

The doctor took an empty syringe with a long catheter tube attached at the end and stuck it in vial of sperm. She drew back the plunger and the sperm went in to the syringe. She then walked over to me and told me to take a deep breath. She inserted the catheter inside my uterus and pushed the sperm inside. After that she tilted the table backwards so I my feet were above my head. She walked over to the left side of the table, grabbed my hand and then said "good luck" and walked out. 

It didn't hurt at all...at all. The entire insemination took around five minutes tops...maybe less. It was sort of underwhelming if I were to be completely honest. 

As we walked out of the office, the nurses told me not to lift anything over 30lbs and to return back to the office for an official pregnancy test in two weeks time. 

And then the dreaded two week wait began... 

As if I could think of anything else besides being pregnant. After every twinge, fart, burp, cough, itch, etc., I thought "am I pregnant?" That was one of the longest two weeks of my life. My wife walked on egg shells around me during that time but managed to ask "do you feel anything?" about a one thousand times. 

And I didn't because at the end of the two week waiting period I went in to the doctors office and received a negative pregnancy test. 

Ugh! I was super sad and I cried all the way home. My wife was super supportive and super gentle. 

For the next cycle we decided to ramp up the fertility drugs. I increased the shots and started taking another fertility drug that my doctor recommended. Unfortunately, that new drug did not agree with my system and it landed me in the ER twice. I lost 30 lbs in 3 weeks and was super ill.  Needless to say, we suspended the baby making until I regained my health. It took approximately five months for me to get back to normal. In that time, I was working full time and I somehow managed to finish graduate school and earn my Master's degree.

The very next month I told my wife I was ready to start another insemination cycle. 

She was NOT happy. She was super worried that the fertility medication was not agreeing with my system and was making me permanently ill. I couldn't blame her for thinking that but I was fine! FINE! I tell you!

I told her soooo many times but she wasn't happy when I made an appointment to start the insemination process that week. And before you know it, I was injecting fertility medication every night and back on the path towards baby making. Around ten days later, the doctor said I was ready to ovulate and she needed to inseminate me that very morning. 

Whoa! 

O.K. Take Two!

 I was shocked! 

Shocked but soooo ready... 

I was at the doctor's office alone that Friday morning as I usually went there before going in to work. My wife was already at work and I texted her to tell her that the doctor wanted to do the insemination right then and there. She was shocked too but I heard more worry in her voice than anything else. 

So again, the doctor did the insemination and sent me on my merry way. 

My wife and I spent that weekend in Fire Island. We ate, danced and partied with all the drag queens and managed to forget about the insemination...well...at least for those two days. 

Looking back on that two week waiting period, I can now say that I felt small twinges in the stomach area. It felt like regular ole' menstruation cramps so I thought nothing of it. 

But after the two week waiting period, I went in for my routine blood test and later that day at 1:00pm in the afternoon I received a phone call that would change my life forever. 

Phone rings...

Me: Hello?

Nurse: Is this Shavon?

Me: Yes.

Nurse: I have the result of your blood test.

Me: OK.

Nurse: You are DEFINITELY pregnant. 

Me: Huh?

Nurse: Yes, honey. Congratulations. 

Me: Can you check again? Are you sure? My full name is......

Nurse: (Laughs) Yes, honey you are absolutely pregnant. Please report to the office tomorrow so you can meet your obstetrician.

Me: (flatly) O.K. Thank you. 

I remember hanging up the phone and sitting in my car stunned. I was focused on this little piece of dust that was on the dashboard. I must have stared at that bit of dust for at least a half an hour before I realized I should call my wife. 

Me: Baby?

Wife: Yes love. Are you ok?

Me: Yeah....ummmm Guess what?

Wife: What love?

Me: We are having a baby.

       LONG PAUSE 

Wife: Really?

Me: Yes.

Wife: THAT'S AMAZING! 

Me: Yeah...crazy right?

Wife: Yes, I love you.

Me: I love you too. I'll see you at home. 

And that was the start of an amazing journey...

How we made our lovely baby boy ...Part. 2

 How Tristan came to be...

                                                                           Part 2:

After spending approximately $3,000 on two unsuccessful inseminations, my wife and I regrouped and decided to call a nearby fertility center. And thank the good Lord we did because this place was fantastic!      

(If you want the contact information for the Fertility center feel free to contact me and I will gladly pass it along.)

At our first appointment, we met with a wonderful doctor whom I will call 

"Dr. M." She was lovely! She explained the entire science-y-ness of "getting us pregnant" and took all the mystery out of the process. In this initial appointment, she showed us a plastic models of the entire female reproductive system. Now let me explain that my wife and are learned folk...between us we have two BA's and three master's degrees and a half of a doctorate. And when Dr. M showed us the entire female reproductive system and then started to explain all that has to "happen" to make a female pregnant we were surprised, shocked and quite frankly intimidated by the entire process. 

Dr. M must have sensed our panic and dread because she immediately  began to reassure us that all will be OK. She said "you ladies aren't the first lesbians I got pregnant so chill out because I only make cute babies!" My wife and I locked eyes, smiled at each other and we instantly knew we were in the right place. 

Towards the end of the initial interview, after we discussed my test results, Dr. M asked us how we wanted to get pregnant. She asked us if we wanted to use fertility drugs during my ovulation period ( to enhance the quality of my eggs) or to  proceed with an insemination au natural by only monitoring my cycle.

Sheeeeeeeeet! We ain't got time for au natural! We wanted a baby and sperm isn't exactly cheap ($600 per vial not including shipping)  Besides fertility drugs are safe right?...right??? 

My wife and I decided to shoot me up with those good ole fertility drugs. We could only afford three vials of sperm ($2,300 including shipping) and we wanted to maximise our chances for a positive pregnancy test.

After visiting the sperm specialist, and placing our order for the sperm specimen we previously agreed upon, we walked back down the hall to Dr. M's office and she gave me a brown paper bag that contained needles, syringes and several vials of fertility drugs.  

(This particular fertility center has a whole staff that helps you coordinate  sperm orders from the US based sperm banks. They also have an    in-house cryobank so the sperm will be on site when the woman is ready to ovulate.) 

Dr. M explained / demonstrated how to inject me with fertility drugs. You should have seen my wife's face. She actually turned green. I have only seen her turn that shade of green the morning after her boi bachelor party. I'm not needle phobic so I was fine. Thank goodness because little did I know I would be injecting myself with fertility drugs and then blood thinners for the next 15 months. (Keep reading to hear that story in part 3!) 

The basic instructions were to attach one of the thin needles to a saline filled syringe. Then slowly add the saline that was inside the syringe to the powdered fertility drug vial. Dr. M said to make sure we shook the vial vigorously to make sure all the fertility medicine was dissolved. After we threw away the used syringe, we were instructed to open a new, empty syringe and draw the medicine inside it. After the medicine is in the syringe, Dr. M showed us how to tap the syringe to rid it of air bubbles. To be perfectly honest, this was the only part of this process that freaked me out. I felt as if I was one of those heroin junkies about the shoot up. It felt crazy but I knew this wasn't that kind of drug. We felt this was necessary so we could get pregnant.

EYES ON THE PRIZE! 

The pregnancy prize! 

Ha! 

Now onto the moment moment of truth! 

Dr. M checked the syringe for air bubbles (and to make sure we did it right) then she told me to grab a hunk of fat on the front of my thigh and to jab the needle straight in. The needle didn't hurt because it was really thin but as the medicine was going into my thigh muscle it stung. A lot. I remember saying "oooooooooooooo" as I pushed the syringe's plunger down and took a couple of deep breaths and it was over. 

Dr. M told us to repeat this process and give myself one shot a day for the next 5 days and on the sixth day I was to report back to her office so she check the size of my eggs. What an exciting first appointment! It exhilarating to walk out of Dr. M's office with a definite plan! We felt so good and accomplished. I remember my wife and I stopping on the way home and picking up our favourite Mexican take out to celebrate being on the definite path towards baby making! 

Woo! 

After five days of injecting fertility medicine, we went back to Dr. M's office for the follow up appointment. I laid on the exam table with my legs spread apart in the stirrups and Dr.M put lube on a vagina probe and proceeded to check the size of my eggs. The doctor said my eggs were responding well to the fertility drugs and she was hopeful that I would be pregnant soon. We were so happy.

Dr.M told us to come back in 2 days to get our first insemination. Yeeeessssss! 

Two days later we returned to Dr.M's office and she told us that my blood test revealed that I was ready to ovulate and it was time for the insemination. 

Cue the dramatic music...

Dun dun dun... 

How we made our lovely baby boy...Part 1

How Tristan came to be...

                                                                         Part 1:

Artificial insemination is a wild concept. If I stop to think about it (and I don't!) the sheer 

science-y-ness (that's totally a real word) of the whole process will make my mind scramble. It took 4 non-consecutive inseminations to conceive the young master. The average is 6 inseminations so we consider ourselves lucky as the process is super-d-duper expensive (depending on your medical insurance) and emotionally draining. And no, don't even think about it, the purchase of sperm is not covered by medical insurance. 

(I do not claim to be an expert on this process. This story is an account of our experiences.)

For me, the process of intrauterine insemination (IUI) began with four diagnostic tests. I refused the last test so it was only three for me. These tests were to make sure my lady parts were in working order. The first test was a run of the mill Pap smear. Pap smears are uncomfortable but they literally only last for a second and it's over. 

The second test however was a doozy! The test is "affectionately" called 'the dreaded dye test'. If you denote any affection from that name then you are sadly mistaken! From what I understand, this test is done to check if the woman's fallopian tubes are clear from blockages and scar tissue. On the morning of the test, I gobbled down a mouthful of home fries and took a Motrin...just in case.  To make a long procedure filled morning short, I laid on a table and the technician inflated my uterus with a balloon and then preceded to inject dye into my fallopian tubes. When my tubes were full of dye the technician took X-ray pictures of both tubes. Intense huh? It was! And as soon as I got off that table of horrors, I took another Motrin! It felt as if someone took a leaf blower, stuck it up inside my vagina, and turned it on full blast. Thank the Gods and Goddesses for Motrin! 

The third test was to check the vitality (?) of my uterus. During this test, the doctor shot saline inside in my uterus. It felt as if he was poking and prodding every single one of my internal organs from inside my lady portal. Thankfully, the test was over quite quickly but the doctor told me to continue laying on the table for an extra 15 minutes because the saline often makes woman dizzy. 

And yes, the saline made me dizzy but it also made me projectile vomit all over the room. I guess eating a Burger King veggie burger and a large order of fries wasn't the best idea before having medical procedure. ::shrug::

While scheduling and then trying to recover from these medical exams, I had to keep on with my normal life. I was working full time during the day and taking classes towards my MSW at night all while maintaining a loving martial relationship with my supportive wife. In addition to all the tests, (as if that weren't enough) I was expected to give blood at different stages of my monthly cycle. A lot of blood! I remember one day before work, I had to give twenty vials of blood in one sitting! It was crazy. Thank goodness for Netflix on my smart phone because I needed an escape during that appointment. 

After a year of that craziness and the test were all scored and tallied, the doctor said my lady parts were all in working order. Woo - hoo! Now we were ready to make a baby...except for one minor detail. 

We need sperm. Ugh! Damn! My gynecologist recommended a company that shall nameless (They were assholes and had the worse costumer service.) and we picked a donor. Unfortunately for our bank account, my gynecologist did not accept our insurance and only accepted cash per insemination.

Ugh! Fine! Let's go! 

We are in it to win it! 

We wanted a baby!

The doctor told us to buy an over the counter ovulation detection kit and when we got a smiley face on the pee stick (which meant I was ovulating) we were to call the sperm bank and schedule an overnight delivery to his office with the intention of getting inseminated within the 48 hour ovulation period. Tricky tricky right! ::cue Run DMC's song Tricky::

We did that convoluted process for the next two months and it cost us a total of $1800.00 cash plus $1000.00 in sperm. I know....Crazy! It was super ridiculous because the insemination process only takes about 7 minutes total. We have never spent that much money in such a short amount of time. And when I got my period after the second month of insemination, my wife told me, delicately, it was time to find a fertility specialist who actually accepted our insurance. 

And that we did...