Picture it! It was 1996 and New York City was abuzz with big floppy suede hats , clothes that were six sizes too big (think the television show Blossom+ the R & B group T.L.C. ) and the streets played nothing but Teddy Riley produced New Jack Swing party tracks. (If you have no idea what I'm talking about you better google the shit out these terms...they are very necessary!) But more importantly, yours truly was turning Sweet 16! My mother wanted to throw me a big bash in celebration of this milestone partly because she spoiled me rotten ( I'm an only child.) but most likely because my step father had died the year before which was super emotional and painful for the both of us. So my mom saved her pennies for a whole year rented out a huge banquet hall in some a**hole part of Queens, New York. My best friend's mother offered to make my dress and all was going according to plan. However, there was small hitch in the plans. You see, my girlfriend, who a huge secret at the time, could not be my date because we were not out of the closet yet. I mean it was the 90's and it wasn't exactly cool for girls to hook up with girls. Will & Grace, Logo network, and MTV hadn't warmed those icy hetero waters yet. Nevertheless, this became a huge point of contention within our relationship that drove us both bat shit crazy but as I never say but should...what doesn't make you crazy makes you a stronger lesbo.
I eventually concluded that my Sweet 16 party was not the right time to come out to family and friends and decided to continue my straight acting charade. I asked my ex-boyfriend to be my date for the party because he knew I was lesbian and was very cool with helping me out with this big ole lie for one night. So let's recap...dress...check, false date...check, friends...check, family???? ...oh shit!
To mark this momentous occasion, my mom swallowed her pride and asked our estranged family from upstate to attend the party. My grandmother and aunt cooked a huge spread of mouth watering, greasy, soul food and served all my guests as they entered the party. In another shocking occurrence my mom invited my uncle. You see, my mom and uncle have been estranged since the big 80's for a multitude of reasons and I had only seen him about three times my whole life. (This event proved to be a last time I would ever see my uncle for reasons you will soon find out).
My family and friends were staying at my house for the 3 days that let up to my party. We lived on the second floor of a two family house. Our apartment had 2 bedrooms and we had about 11 people staying with us. It was tight as hell in my house and loud to boot. Black folks are loud...yeah i said it! Needless to say my mom was uber stressed but she kept her game face on and managed to buy tons of food, liquor and snacks for everyone to enjoy. Unfortunately, my mom caught my uncle stashing a bottle of Hennessy and keeping it for himself. My mother was so pissed at him that her whole mood was off for the rest of the days before my party.
So let's get into the day of my party! Wooo -Hoo! Party time right ?!?! WRONG! The day of my party my mother swears to this day that she caught my uncle and his older white girlfriend stealing her silverware. ( Yeah, I underlined white because it was shocking. My uncle was a staunch Muslim and every other word out of his mouth was about how white people caused all these issues for Black folks yadda, yadda yadda.) Oh did I forget to mention her? Yeah well my uncle chose my party to introduce this woman to the family. Unfortunately, or fortunately we didn't have a chance to converse with her because they were sucking face (dry heaving is totally appropriate now) in front of the entire family and all my friends the entire weekend...they had no shame! Anyhoo, I have no idea when my mother saw this supposed thievery but to this day she maintains he is a silverware thief.
My party turned out okay. If "meh" was a term in the 90's I would have said "meh" a lot! My best friend's mom made my dress, which was dope, but it didn't fit the way I imagined it because my boobs were nonexistent...and still are...ugh! My mom even paid for me to get my hair professionally done. Too bad I hated the way it turned out but when I think back at the time of my life I realize that I hated most things. But I was a teenager and it was par for the course. The music was good and all my friends seemed to be having a good time until my uncle and his girlfriend took to the floor. The words "shock" and "awe" immediately come to mind and when they started making love on the dance floor it was fraking GROSS! It was the most horrifying thing I'd ever seen. The entire party came to a screeching halt and all my friends watched with horrified amazement. My uncle and his girlfriend were one thrust away from having full on sex on the damn dance floor. They were gyrating, shaking, kissing, and doing all kinds of wrong in the middle of the floor. And boy oh boy was it wrong! I distinctly remember seeing my uncle's hand go up the inside split of her dress and it remained there for an obscene amount of time... emphasis on the obscene. I stood there watching like it was a car wreck and I was fascinated by the sheer horror of the event. By the grace of the Almighty the song ended and they left the dance floor. Trust me, that three minutes was the longest three minutes of my life. They then, by some added grace, went outside to get some air. They probably needed to come down from the disgusting orgasms they had on the dance floor. (Again, dry heave as needed...) After my uncle and his girlfriend left the room I actually started to enjoy my party. I danced with my friends, blew out my candles (my cake was stunning) and managed to avoid any further drama. Or so I thought...
By the end of the weekend, all my family went home and my life went back to normal . I was excited to go to school the next day to hear my friends talk about my party. I knew they would give me honest feedback but I had no idea what they were about say and I was in no way ready for it! I was giddy on the way to school and I couldn't wait for Monday morning. I wanted and craved the attention I was sure to get but unfortunately the attention I was to receive but not the attention I craved. To fully express the horror in what I'm about to explain to you I can only do so in dialogue form, so let's begin the play! (Places everyone!)
A group of my guy friends walk up to me with cheesy grins and say:
Boys:"Yo Shavon! Your uncle is the man"
Me: "Hahahahaha that's funny.Why do you say that" ?
Boys :"Yo, he made his girlfriend give him a blow job front of us !"
Me : "Stop playing! That's disgusting! "
Boys:"No, for real. He shoved her head down towards his dick and said look this is how you do it. It was amazing! "
Me : horrified shock, face palm, passes out on the floor
So now the only thing my friends remember about my Sweet 16 is my uncle and his drunken blow job lesson! NOT ME, not my party favors, not my hair or the food or the DJ or how amazing I looked dancing, not how fantastic everything was but just this infamous blow job ! So no, blow jobs are not the best thing that can happen to a teenager!
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